


You Were Never There But I Wished You Were

by mmiles



Category: The Goldfinch - Donna Tartt
Genre: Angst, Bittersweet Ending, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-02
Updated: 2020-08-02
Packaged: 2021-03-06 00:07:23
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,161
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25664113
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mmiles/pseuds/mmiles
Summary: I didn’t recognise the number but I still answered the call and then promptly dropped it, causing it to land on the hard floor but it did not break.Because Boris was dead. He was… he was…
Relationships: Theodore Decker/Boris Pavlikovsky
Comments: 6
Kudos: 20





	You Were Never There But I Wished You Were

**Author's Note:**

> i'm sorry

**i**

It all started with a call. An unexpected phone call I received one day while I was at work, rearranging some things on the shelves. My phone was placed in the pocket of my pants when I heard it start ringing. I normally would never answer my phone at work unless I was expecting a call that was work related but something told me that its best if I answer it, plus there were no customers in the store at that moment.

I didn’t recognise the number but I still answered the call and then promptly dropped it, causing it to land on the hard floor but it did not break.

Because Boris was dead. He was… he was…

**ii**

The next few weeks were like a blur to me. I was still processing things when detectives came and spoke to me about Boris and asked me questions about him, when I organized his funeral and decided to have a closed casket rather than an open one, when Hobie sat me down and told me he was sorry and that he knew how close Boris and I were and its such a terrible thing to happen.

I was still processing the new information of Boris’ death when Pippa called and said shes on her way to New York from London and will be here in time for the funeral. She cried on the phone as she apologised and said she knew how excited I was to see him when I had mentioned to her a couple months back that Boris was coming to live with me once he’s settled everything with his work.

I didn’t cry and just hummed when Pippa spoke to me softly and apologised. I felt numb, I felt like this was just one big nightmare that I couldn’t wake myself up from. I didn’t know what to do, I didn’t know how to feel. I just felt numb and cold.

My eyes got a little teary at the funeral but not once did I break down even when I watched numbly as they lowered Boris’ closed casket into the ground. Hobie rubbed my back and Pippa pulled me into a tight hug and cried for me.

Hobie gave me two weeks off of work. He said that this was a lot to take in and I should have a break and to call him if I ever needed everything. I responded to it all with a hum and a tight smile before I made my way back home to my cold and empty apartment.

I shrugged my coat off as soon as I entered the apartment and let it drop in a heap on the floor instead of hanging it up before I made my way through the dark apartment and grabbed a bottle of vodka and dropping down on the couch with a sigh.

My apartment was deathly silent as I cracked the lid of the vodka open and took a large swig of it, not even noticing the burn of it in my throat as I blinked at my turned off TV.

Not taking my eyes off the TV, I reached into my pocket and grabbed out my phone. I looked through my contacts before I landed on Boris’ and clicked on his name and pressed call. Taking another large drink, I lifted the phone to my ear and listened to it ring.

But it never connected. Boris never answered with his cheery greeting of his nickname for me in a thick Russian accent. I called about four more times before I broke and ditched my phone at the nearby wall then I threw my half empty vodka bottle of the floor and knocked over a lamp and smashed three picture frames.

I started to cry then as I flipped over my coffee table and fell to the floor on my hands and knees, glass surrounding me and cutting my hands, but I didn’t notice as I sobbed.

‘Boris, you fucker! You promised me you’d never leave me. I hate you, I hate you… Boris,’ I cried and laid on the floor and curled into myself, sobbing.

**iii**

I dreamed about Boris that night. I dreamed about his crooked smile and his loud laugh and his teasing. I dreamed about him curling a hand around my neck and pushing my forehead against his, his breath ghosting my face.

‘ _Theo, listen to me,’_ he said, cupping my face and softly brushing his thumbs against my face. Even in my dream his hands were warm.

‘ _I promise I’ll never leave you. I will always be here with you,’_ he leaned forward and kissed my forehead softly before whispering, _‘see you soon, potter_. _’_

Then I woke up to the sound of clattering in my kitchen. I frowned and fumbled for my glasses and looked at the time to see it was nearly nine in the morning. I heard more clatter in the kitchen and the sound of a pan being placed on the stove.

I assumed it was Hobie or Pippa who came over to check up on me. I got out of bed and ran my hand through my hair a few times as I made my way towards the kitchen.

I stopped short when I entered and stared wide eyed at the person before me. They turned around and shot me a wide grin, placing the butter down and spreading their arms wide open.

‘Potter! You are awake, good good. What happened in living room last night? Is completely trashed. Were you drunk, Potter?’ Boris teased, grinning at me.

_( Boris Boris Boris Boris_ )

I still didn’t say anything and just gaped at Boris who was standing in front of me, dressed in black clothes and shook my head slightly. There was no way that I was seeing him, this must’ve been a dream. I must still be dreaming.

I blinked my eyes a few time but Boris was still there now watching at me with a worried expression. I reached up and pinched my arm hard but I still didn’t wake up. Boris rose an eyebrow and walked closer towards him.

‘Hm? What is wrong? Tell me.’

‘You’re dead,’ I stated, blinking at him.

Boris looked bashful at that and I was now having trouble getting air into my lungs. He rubbed at the back of his neck and shot me a shy grin.

‘Ah, yeah… about that,’ he laughed slightly. ‘had to fake my death.’

I blinked. ‘what.’

‘Look, am sorry for not telling you but some very bad people were after me so I had to fake my death and no offense potter but you aren’t the best liar.’

‘Shut the fuck up, you aren’t really here. You _died_ , Boris. You fucking died and now you come here and tell you aren’t?! No, fuck you. I must still be dreaming.’

‘Potter, am telling you I am not dead! Look –‘ before I could process anything, Boris rushed towards me and cupped his warm hands against my cheeks and looked into my eyes.

His warm and alive hands.

My hands were shaking and I gasped for breath as I lifted them to place them on the outside of Boris’ warm hands before I broke down sobbing. Boris made a strangled noise and wrapped me up into a hug.

‘Oh, my poor baby...’ he said softly. ‘am so sorry, Theo. I didn’t mean to do this to you.’

I buried my face in Boris’ shoulder and sobbed, wetting his coat with my tears. Boris shushed me quietly and rubbed at my back as I clung onto him tightly.

Boris shifted slightly back and cupped my face again before leaning forward and placing his warm lips against mine to which I responded to eagerly.

**iv**

Boris officially moved in with me after that, like he was meant to before I had gotten the call at work that day. It wasn’t like he had anywhere else to go as he was supposed to be dead to the world. He couldn’t leave the apartment in case whoever was looking for him didn’t believe he was dead and saw him.

Theo never spoke a word about Boris living with him to anyone, including Hobie and Pippa. Theo spent his two weeks with Boris, laughing with him, drinking with him, sharing meals with him. Doing just about everything with him.

Currently, Boris was sat on my kitchen counter as I cooked for us. The heels of his boots gently banged against my cupboards as he blabbered on to me about something that had happened when he was in his twenties. I listened to his voice with a soft smile on my face.

Boris must’ve noticed as he reached over and pinched my cheek gently when I was close enough. I battered his hand away but didn’t stop smiling.

‘What’s with smile?’ he asked, leaning back on his hands.

I looked up at him. ‘what, I can’t smile?’

‘You can, just haven’t seen you smile like that in a while,’ he said before tugging me until I was placed between his legs.

‘Boris, I’m cooking dinner,’ I said but wrapped my arms around his waist as Boris played with the hair on the back of my neck.

‘Have mercy, potter. You are going back to work tomorrow and then I will be all alone in your apartment,’ he whined and rubbed the tip of his nose against mine.

I laughed through my nose. ‘I’ll be back after work.’

‘Ugh, I know but still...’ he pecked me on the lips, smiled, and then kissed me longer.

**v**

It had been a month since Boris started staying at my apartment and I could tell he was getting restless. I knew that Boris could never stay in one spot fro long periods of time, he’s been that way since I first met him. I could tell he was getting bored at home and wanted to go outside but he couldn’t.

He had complained to me one night as we laid in bed curled up against each other that he regrets pissing off someone who was insistent as the man who wanted him dead. I had huffed and called him an idiot fondly before nuzzling my nose against his hairline, smiling when he smacked me on my bare chest.

But it was nice to come home to see Boris in the kitchen cooking, the smell of spices invading my nostrils when I enter the apartment. Each time in came home, the apartment had a soft glow from the lamps and Boris was either cooking, lounging on the couch or wondering around the apartment and signing badly and loudly until I shushed him, in fear that the neighbours would hear him.

But Boris would just laugh and brush me off before tackling me into a hug and welcoming me home with his bright smile.

One night when I returned home, music was playing and Boris was sat on the couch with a glass of red wine in his hand. He grinned up at me and placed the glass on the coffee table before walking over towards me and wrapped his arms around my waist after I hanged up my coat.

‘Welcome home,’ he greeted, leaning in to kiss me softly on the lips. I smiled against him lip and tangled my hands into his curl.

‘Come dance with me,’ he whispered against my lips before tugging me towards the large space in the living room. He placed his hand on my waist while his other hand was locked with mine.

We swayed softly and looked at each other in the eye, both with soft smiles on our faces. I could feel my cheeks start to heat and strangely felt shy as I hid my face in the crook on Boris’ neck. Boris chuckled quietly and kissed my neck and continued to sway with me.

‘I love you,’ I heard him whisper.

‘I love you too.’

**vi**

Things were good. Hobie had stopped giving me worried and sympathetic looks and asked me how I was every five minutes. He never once brought up Boris’ death which made it easier for me. Like Boris said, I wasn’t a very good liar.

I would be able to come home to Boris and relish in the fact that he wasn’t dead but alive and well and all mine to hug, laugh with and kiss softly before bed.

I slipped up one day as I was packing up for work. Hobie was eyeing me, watching me shrug on my coat and grab out my keys.

‘You going straight home?’ he asked.

‘Uh, I need to pick up some milk first. We ran out,’ I said before I realised my mistake.

Hobie caught onto the slip up quickly and rose and eyebrow at me. ‘we?’

I started to sweat as I nervously pushed my glasses up my face. ‘Uh, yeah. I got a… cat.’

‘Theo… you told me you were allergic to cats. If you’re seeing someone, you can tell me.’

‘Oh yeah! Yeah, I-I’m seeing someone,’ I laughed awkwardly and fiddled with my keys.

Hobie pursed his lips and crossed his arms across his chest. ‘you’ve never been a good liar, Theo. Just tell me what’s going on.’

‘Nothing, I swear!’

‘Theo.’

I sighed and my shoulders dropped as I fiddled with my keys more. ‘okay, but you can’t tell anyone.’

Hobie nodded his head and moved closer. I nibbled at my bottom lip and glanced briefly outside before sighing again.

‘Boris… is staying at my apartment.’

Hobie blinked at me. ‘Theo… Boris is dead.’

I shook my head. ‘no no, Boris only pretended to be dead because some very bad people were after him.’

‘The police found his body.’

‘Then it wasn’t him! Because Boris is alive and he is at my apartment right now. Look, if you don’t believe me then come over and I’ll prove it.’

Hobie eyed me a few times before he nodded his head and grabbed his jacket. My apartment was close by so we walked. The whole way there Hobie was eyeing me and I felt my heart spike with each glance and I began to sweat more.

When we arrived at my apartment my hand were shaking as I fumbled with my keys and unlocked the door. I wondered where Boris would be. Would he be in the kitchen cooking or cleaning up? Though Boris was never one for cleaning.

But when we entered my apartment was dark, no lights were on and the coffee table was still knocked over, the lap was still on the floor smashed and picture frames were on the floor. Glass was on the floor, stained with my few months old dried blood.

Pots and pans were all over the kitchen counter, food scraps everywhere. Clothes strewn all over the apartment. It was a mess. That wasn’t how I left it morning.

‘Theo...’ I heard Hobie say behind me but I shook my head and rushed around my apartment, calling Boris’ name.

‘No, hes probably just out,’ I fretted, ignoring the mess as I stopped in front of Hobie.

‘Theo, he was never here. You just imagined he was. I understand that his death was hard on you but you need to understand that Boris is dead and has been for a long time.’

I shook my head and tears clouded my eyes. ‘no, he’s here. I swear he’s here.’

‘Maybe you’re just having a hard time accepting the fact he was gone because you didn’t see his body in the casket and so you believe he’s still alive. But he’s dead and I think maybe you should talk to someone.’

I shook my head again. ‘no, no. I don’t need to talk to someone, I’m _fine_!’

‘Theo… you just think Boris is there because you don’t want to accept the fact that he’s gone.’

I slid down the wall and started to cry. Hobie walked over towards me and hugged me tightly.

**vii**

Somehow Hobie was able to get someone to dig Boris’ casket up and open it up after Theo continued to insist that Boris was alive and that it wasn’t actually Boris in the ground. I held my breath when they opened it up.

I walked closer and felt my whole body run cold. There, laid Boris. His black hair smoothed down, his skin paler than usual and his eyes were closed. He looked peaceful and… dead.

( I was certain that the people around me saw him differently. His skin was probably not the same pale I see right now and he most likely looked very much dead then how he looked to me. To me he looked like he only just recently was put into the ground. )

I reached a hand forward and brushed my hand against his cheek. He was cold to the touch and I started to cry.

Hobie was by my side in an instant and wrapped me in a hug. As they closed the casket and lowered Boris back down into the ground I sobbed into Hobie’s shoulder.

I went home after that. I insisted to Hobie that I would be fine on my own and that I just wanted to be alone for a bit and that I’ll call him later. When I entered the apartment it was still a mess and dark. I chuckled my coat onto the floor and walked towards the kitchen when I heard a voice behind me.

‘Theo.’

I spun around and Boris was standing there and its only then did I noticed that he’d been wearing the same clothes since he first showed up. Same coat, same shirt and pants, even his shoes. I now only realised that I had never once seen Boris take his shoes off.

‘Go away, you aren’t really here. You’re dead.’

Boris frowned and laughed. ‘what are you talking about, potter? I’m not dead.’

‘Yes you are! I saw you in that casket today, you were dead. Just fuck off and leave me alone,’ I shouted and then he was gone.

I took in a shaky breath and sniffled as I turned back around to enter the kitchen when I gasped, jumping slightly.

Boris smirked at me and crossed his arms over his chest. ‘did you really think you could get rid of me that easily?’

I ran a hand through my hair and struggled to breath. ‘please… just leave me alone.’

Boris stepped closer towards me and shook his head, cupping my face. ‘Theo...’

‘You aren’t really here,’ I sobbed.

Boris rubbed my thumb against his cheek. ‘of course I’m here. I promised you that I’d never leave you and you know that I don’t break my promises.’

I let out a sob and stepped closer to wrap my arms around him. Boris sighed and ran his fingers through my hair.

‘I’ll never leave you, Theo. I promise.’


End file.
